Muni-muni (to ponder)

My head’s been in the clouds.

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Okay. My head is always in the clouds because I’m a daydreamer and I live in my head because la-la-land is alright. But these days I’ve been worrying a little bit. I suppose I’ve just got my hand stamped with a pass to the Quarter Life Crisis ride. Whoop whoop.

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It’s not so bad. For the most part, I love my life. I love myself. I’m actually quite happy and comfortable with who I am.  That is a statement my younger self (the one who started the blog heh) would not have been able to say. She had to overcompensate by being so ridiculously happy sounding [I have heard it creeped some people out] every time she published a blog post because a.) baking and eating was her refuge and actually made her like herself b.) placing the best version of oneself in the public sphere is a thing c.) there’s that ‘fake it ’til you make it’ ideology peppered in her psyche. That wasn’t so bad. People who are depressed are told to practice smiling because the facial muscles that are affected when people smile relay messages to the brain and causes mood and stress level alterations, even when it’s fake. External stuff helps. Sounding like you have your act together online, fitting and changing your offline environment, learning and just putting my focus in different places from where they were before. All the good external stuff trickled inward. Eventually, the cheery persona took me out of my bin and made me the actual character I was trying to play.

Darn it, Nelli, you’re all over the place. What are you trying to say? I’m just saying…dang it, I’ve been through a mind warp of a ride before. Why another one, again? Hay buhay. I shouldn’t complain so much though. I have a better sense of self this time around and my frontal lobe is pretty much fully developed as I turn twenty five this year (that’s definitely going to help, right?). So what’s the problem? What’s going to happen next, that’s the problem. For a while, I’ve referred to my life in Korea as not being the ‘real life’ that I’m going back to some dry life and out of the dream world after the time is up. I chose to go to Korea to figure out what I should do with self and my life. I’ve already scrapped that way of thinking because I learned so much about myself in the months I’ve lived here. It’s not like I’ll revert back to everything when I leave. What do I even go back to? Where am I headed after this? I’ve already decided that I’m extending my stay in Korea. Partly because I love it here and also because I’m buying myself time to figure things out. It’s not like I’m pulling my hair out stressing over this, I’m not (okay maybe a little). But it’s constantly in my mind. Always. I still live in the moment and enjoy everything but it’s there like a bad itch you can’t reach. Haha. Ugh. A friend advised me to let go, to just be in now and stop worrying about it. I argued that that’s easier said than done, after all, we don’t expect the things we want to fall on our laps. We have to pursue to obtain. What is annoying is that I don’t know exactly what I’m running after. So here I am running circles in my mind. Darn it, universe, just give me a hint.

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One night, I made a promise to trust, just trust. Trust the unknown. To breathe, just breathe and trust. Have faith. I’m trying. Universe, can’t you see I’m trying. I really am. I promise to keep putting myself out in the world. I will try to leap like I could fly. I will keep appreciating everything even the ones I haven’t seen yet. I’ll keep hoping that more good things will come. 

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